Relational Codependency
Oftentimes, when someone hears the word codependency, one of two images come to mind: an individual who is deep into a substance addiction (substance codependency), or an individual who clings to anyone and everyone in the fear of not being alone (relational codependency). While both of these images have truth to them, the support I offer is specific to relational codependency, or the addiction to people or relationships to the point of suffering.
And, it isn’t just about people who can’t be on their own…
Relational codependency is a complex behavioral condition that is typically experienced as a deeply-rooted compulsion to respond in ways that aren’t healthy for either participant. Similar to substance codependence, individuals develop relational codependent behaviors as a way to survive the trauma of moderate to extremely dysfunctional families and other systems. Developing in codependent and dysfunctional systems, the child learns that “who I am is not good enough” in some way, and the only way to get the love and attention desired is to engage in the unhealthy models of behavior. As the child grows into adulthood, the patterns are continued as a way to understand the world and receive the very human needs that have been neglected for so long.
Anyone who experienced a dysfunctional system as a child can develop codependent relating, and this is especially true for those of low socioeconomic status, communities who lacked systemic support systems, Black, Indigenous, and other People of Color, those in restrictive religious organizations, people growing up as Queer, children of military parents or parents with addictions, and those whose families have generational trauma.
Although these behaviors are developed in early childhood and adolescence, the detriment to the individual’s life in relation to their codependent behaviors is often not fully realized until many years later. Codependent behaviors can also occur in any relational role, not just romantic ones, including career, family dynamics, friendships, communities, religions, and other organizations and systems people interact with. Besides a lack of education around the topic and a capitalist/patriarchal system that wants to keep people small and unwell, one of the reasons for this late awareness is that codependent behaviors can be viewed on a spectrum of healthy to unhealthy: it is how “far” the individual takes the behavior and what consequences it has on their well-being that determines whether it is problematic or not.
For instance, a healthy relational behavior is self-reflection, or the ability to look inwards and, lovingly, but honestly, evaluate one’s values, behaviors, motives, thoughts, and feelings. Self-reflection allows us to know what our truth is, so we can distinguish it from the voices in our head that are old and unhelpful developed narratives. Self-reflection encourages us to honestly look at what changes we can make to grow as a better individual, and what parts of ourselves we need to be more accepting of. Self-reflection also helps us to know when our behaviors and words may have caused harm to others, expand our awareness into compassion and empathy, and take accountability for those actions, knowing we are still worthwhile and loveable (even when we make mistakes)… Healthy. Behavioral. Relating.
On the flip side, someone who is stuck in their codependent patterns of relating may take self-reflection to the extreme, constantly comparing themselves to others and assuming they are less than, or falling short. They may not be able to celebrate a loved one’s achievement genuinely because of their heavy shame for not being “good-enough”, or in the same place. They limit meeting new people because they assume they won’t match up. They become stuck and in their own way, because the “reflections” turned to severe criticism and uncertainty, an emotional-paralysis. They attempted to better themselves, but got trapped in harshness, instead of kindness. The act of lovingly looking at yourself becomes about constantly comparing and, ultimately, diminishing the self, to the point of suffering and discontent… Unhealthy. Behavioral. Relating.
That is one example - codependency encompasses a variety of unhealthy relational patterns.
Below are common traits that people with relational codependency may experience, as well as potential benefits enjoyed when working through these behavioral changes in codependency therapy.
Since this isn’t a comprehensive list, you can also check out materials from the organization Codependents Anonymous, the leading support group on the topic. Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) is similar to the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program and can be utilized in the journey of relational recovery. Given the religious context, it may not be the best program for everyone — but as they state “take what you like and leave the rest”.
With that said, seeking a licensed codependency therapist is beneficial in combination with other support systems as it can guide you on the growth process, as well as helping to create the long-standing changes you want.
You deserve to have fulfilling and joyful relationships with yourself, others, and the world.
Common Relational Codependent Traits
Benefits of Addressing Codependent Relating
More Certainty, and Less Questioning Yourself
Feeling More Confident and Assertive
Healthier Relationship with Consumption
Greater Commitment to Health Goals
Actively Working Towards Self-Actualization
Clearer In Who You Really Are & What You Value
Better Communication
More Self-Awareness & Emotional Intelligence
Feelings of Authentically Existing
Hiding Parts of Who You Are
Over-Commitment to Basically Anything
Not Feeling Good Enough or Capable Enough
People-Pleasing Behaviors
Comparing Anything/Everything & “Falling Short”
Perfectionist Expectations
Inflexible Thinking (Either/Or Thinking)
Struggling to Identify How You Feel
“Taking On” the Emotional Experiences of Others as Your Own